Fun Quotes
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BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
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I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
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Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
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JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
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What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
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1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.
1975 - 1998: Nothing.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
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If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75%
of the population.
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First draw the curve, then plot the data.
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A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
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IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
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When blondes have more fun do they know it?
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REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.
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OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
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Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
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